My Love Life

Online therapy
Seeing this headline today I HAD to read the post.. It almost feels I wrote it…

All She Ever Wanted to be was Someone’s First Choice

My last two ‘short love trips’ made me feel Exactly this way.

One guy ended his 4 years relationship just when he met me. The last one, 40 years old man, was / is reliving his youth after painful childhood, a bad marriage and extreme toxic divorce…
Where on earth did I find those men? Or – where did they find me?
Those very heavily and freshly bruised men, who kept talking superlatives about their ex girlfriend to me or sing the song:
…. ‘I’m NOT ready to commit’.…………………………………………..
 
AND despite all that…. I kept trying to WIN those men.. Make them fall in love with me… MAKE them love me and appreciate me…
 
After all – they ALL say I am so beautiful, sexy, smart, loving, affectionate, fun, and SOOOO special and amazing…
Sooo – they WILL love me. Eventually.. One day…….. They MUST love me…..!
 
And while I ( professional deformation ) was ready and eager to put all their heavy baggage, all their life crap on my shoulders – their toxic family members, horrible lifestyle habits, their children, evil ex wives, etc. etc, those same men were ‘unable to deal with my “unhappy face” as it – hurts them and reminds them on their strict mother when they were boys’
They could not deal with me being hurt, sad, upset or angry.
They could not deal with my shadows as they were running away from their own. 
And although apparently – 95% of the time – I was ‘the best girlfriend on the planet’ and ‘no one ever loved them the way I did’ – that obviously wasn’t ENOUGH…
I had to be MORE…
I had to be BETTER..
 
Watching many marriages and relationships around me, where on one side wives / girlfriends are publicly shaming their men and putting them down and on another, women are battling cancers and other heavy issues – where men are – not just staying in and WITH those women but – they ADORE them and would DIE for them – I became jealous…
 
I got so jealous at those – ADORED women..
And I cried and cried so much as it’s NOT FAIR….
It is not fair to have a big open heart, to love so much…. And NOT to be loved back…
All this I HAD to go through… To get MY LEARNING:
I can’t ask someone who isn’t ready, to love ALL of me…
All I can is to ask for man who IS
 
And I am now ( finally ? ) Determined to – WAIT…………………………………….!
 
For a loving man who IS READY for the partnership. Man who is ready for – ME.
 
Man who is just perfect for me and I am just perfect for him.
Man who ADORES me.
 
Man who would DIE for me.
 
Man who would accept ALL of me. All my lights AND all my shadows.
Man who wouldn’t want to change a one little thing about me.
 
Man who IS – COMING…….! ?
Conquer your mountain!
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