Sanne Heart • Angelica Horvatic

Sanne Heart

Dear Angelica,

I am so grateful for the CP session this morning. It is like a burden has been lifted. It feels like my inner child has woken up and is ready to play and enjoy life. I now feel the freedom I normally feel while traveling to some place new. A few hours after our session I ran to my safe heaven (I prefer safe heaven over safe haven). Because I do believe our heaven is here on earth. It is here now but sometimes you have to look beyond the buildings or all the negativity present in today’s society. I can now feel what I couldn’t believe before. It has not been my fault. I know we create our own reality, but I have used this truth to blame myself in the past. I am done blaming and today I excepted all parts of me even the painful parts that lived on within me. Thank you so much for helping me release these fears and all the negative beliefs and feelings that were holding me back. I am forever grateful for your presence. I want you to know that you are doing an amazing job and you are a great inspiration.

I had multiple revelations during our session. For the first time in this life I understood how traumatic events are linked to each other. Trauma is like a chain that keeps us imprisoned. It keeps us stuck in the past and prevents us from moving forward out of fear. The fear is that it will happen again. My ego tried to protect me because it didn’t want me to get hurt again. It built a wall around my heart that kept me from getting hurt. The wall that first was built to protect me started to imprison me. It didn’t just keep me from feeling pain. It also kept me from receiving love. Until the point I thought I wasn’t worthy of being loved. I couldn’t trust myself and those around me anymore. Because I was somehow damaged, weird and unlovable. This is the reason why my trauma of being alone, abandoned and punished manifested over and over again. Today I broke the chain. I freed myself and saw that I was the one that kept me from moving forward and I am the one that will always love me. Even when I am in the greatest pain and when I am a complete mess. I no longer have the fear of being abandoned and ending up all alone. I am not bad or unlovable when I make mistakes or when I am unhappy. It just makes me human. I will no longer punishes myself. Instead I decided to accept myself today for the beautiful complete being that I am. Instead of resisting how I feel I will listen to the feeling. I will let my feelings guide me in the right direction. I will go with the flow. I will surf the waves like a dolphin.

 

The cold hallway in my house was the first part of the chain. At this time, I was probably 4 or 5 years old. I looked down and felt the cold floor touch me feet. The cold rushed over my arms. I felt the feeling of powerlessness freeze my heart and the feeling moved up to my throat. I sat on the first step of the staircase and made myself small. I felt the cold feeling move up to me head. While the tears were rolling down my cheek I put both of my hands on my head. I kept my head down and all I could see was the cold floor. I wanted my father to hug me but I didn’t know where he was. I was feeling stuck, hopeless and left alone. I feared no one would ever love me again and no one would ever safe me.

 

The second part of the chain happened a few years later. I think I was 9 years old. I was wearing a green sweater. I cried because I didn’t want to go to school. I always hated going to school and to be honest I still do till this day. Being stuck in a building, forced to sit still all day and obeying makes me feel miserable. I couldn’t explain this to my mum because she wasn’t listening to me. She pulled my arm and dragged me to the hallway until I stopped resisting. I was forced to go to school. It made me feel alone and that no one will ever understand how I feel. I felt unsafe in a world where no one cared how I felt.

 

The third part of the chain was when I was probably 14 years old. At this time in my life I had a lot of fights with my mum. I think this was one of the worst ones. I ran upstairs because I couldn’t deal with her yelling at me anymore. I wanted to stop her from hurting me. Going upstairs to my room felt like the only option. Being in my bedroom always gave me a feeling of safety, but just like I expected she came to my room. I just wanted her to go away and stop hurting me. When she didn’t leave and continued to yell I felt so powerless. I didn’t know what to do anymore. I thought that I would rather die than stay in this room.  I told her that she needed to leave because I couldn’t deal with the pain any longer. I felt so hopeless. I told her if she didn’t leave the room I would jump out of the window. In this moment, something changed in her and she left. After this moment, I was being brought back to the forth memory.

 

The fourth part of the chain was when I was thirteen years old. I was sitting in the hallway with my back pushed against the wall. It was at school and I was crying for about two hours already. A few hours ago, I received the message that my friend committed suicide. At the time, he was just 14 years old. I wasn’t the only one sitting in the hallway, but this didn’t take away the feeling of loneliness and I looked down at the ground. While I was in the memory being present with how I felt at the time I suddenly felt his presence. I looked up and it was like he flown out of the sky to me. He touched both of my shoulders with his hands and looked deeply in my eyes and he smiled. He came to sit next to me and put his arm around me. He said It is time to let it all go now. You are ready to move on. Release all the pain. In this moment, he was in front of me and looked deeply into my eyes again. I felt my heart and throat bursting open and I released all the pain that was locked up in my body. Then he had a piece of paper in his hand with a timeline with different possibilities drawn unto it. It was a game we used to play during class. He told me that everything that is happening is linked to past possibilities and future possibilities. I can always choose the reality I line up with and I always have the freedom to change my mind and chose again.

 

Then I was shifted back to the first part of the chain. It felt like I experienced the full circle of my trauma. The chain was complete and I could see everything clearly now. All the different memories started to connect and I could see the repeated patterns in them. Then I finally understood how I was subconsciously recreating my trauma. I also realized that I can change this. I first need to be aware of the cycle I am reliving over and over again. After revisiting the memories and feeling into them I can break the cycle by choosing differently. After this realization, it felt like a chain broke and I am free now from the pain.

I would like to plan our next session about choosing values and goals that fit my needs and desires for the future. Let me know which day suits you. Again, thank you so much!