Since arriving back to my homeland two years ago, I still struggle engaging into real and meaningful conversations.
To my utter shock and horror, most people over here communicate in ( a long ) parallel monologues.
And I am afraid I am starting to do the same…
The most interesting about it is that most people I interact with are part of ‘the conscious crowd’, most of them regularly meditate or do other conscious practices, ‘work on themselves’ and consider themselves as more conscious and evolved because of all that.
It can be very scary, frustrating and a lonely experience to be a part of the conversation where the other person is so filled up with their own, very strong beliefs, thoughts and feelings, that there is simply no room for anyone else.
When the person who we speak to isn’t able to absorb, understand nor appreciate a point of view that is opposite of their own. When we feel insignificant and used as a stage the other person is standing upon. Where each conversation is about win / lose or right / wrong.
Where every different point of view is crushed with explosiveness, defensiveness, shouting or by silence.
Where our told story is just an excuse for the person we converse with to tell their own similar story. Person delivering their parallel monologue doesn’t seem to be interested in exploring and understanding the person they speak to, and their situation, only in validating their own position and defending their ego’s desire to be right.
Parallel monologues are often filled with resistant, defensive and intense energy, where two people fight to speak and deliver their stories, without listening to one another.
In parallel monologues we are much more interested in other person listening to our story than we are about having them feel heard and understood. This makes the other person feel insignificant.
Some of the things missing in parallel monologues are:
– a safe space to be heard, seen, felt and be vulnerable
– openness
– softness
– asking questions
– active listening
– emotional maturity
– connection
– empathy
– compassion
– understanding
-validation
– humility
– rapport building
– stepping in another person shoes
– intimacy ( hearing, seeing and feeling into the person next to you and what they share )
– curiosity and willingness to learn, grow, expand and change our ( often limited ) point of view
– honoring and respecting other peoples point of view, even when totally different of our own
– patience
– not needing to be right
– joy
If you want the other person to care about your experience, you’ve got to genuinely Care about theirs, allowing them to share and open up to you.
If you want them to listen and understand you, you need to do the same.
A Real Dialogue creates opportunity for understanding the differences, where, in a thoughtful and mindful way, we can learn new ways to think about each other.
To be able to actively listen to another person, we must first practice our patience and giving our undivided, unconditional, focused attention to them.
Becoming interested and curious in them and their story, so they are able to feel safe to share and be received by us.
We need to try and give the other person a gift of the full presence of our consciousness, while engaging with them.
Asking questions is one of the best ways to connect and get to know the other person, so that we could understand them and their point of view.
We need to try and relate to them, and to empathize, be compassionate and find ways to help them to feel valid.
In order to connect with the person we are in a dialogue with, we have to be willing to feel what they feel, stepping into their shoes completely.
We must chose Love, Connection and Understanding over our own ego, our fears and our need for power and control.
We need to become aware and work on our childhood wounds so we could release those old coping mechanisms which no longer serve us but instead keep us deeply trapped in our power struggle and never ending ‘to win and to be right’ game, deeply separated, isolated, alone and unconscious.
We need to work on understanding ourselves and others so we can experience growth and expansion.
So we could come closer to unity and oneness, connection and love.
So we could feel we are supported and that we do belong.
The next time you find yourself in conversation with someone, ask yourself – am I really in effective dialogue here or am I just delivering a monologue?
And before you share your long and to you important story, check with the other person if they are really interested in hearing it and if they have a capacity for it.
Free your Shadow. LIVE your Truth.