“…..I felt a strong sensation in my belly connected with shame. I had made the expression of volatile & wild emotions so unacceptable that I was struggling with my own expression of engaging with Kali, judging it as ridiculous.
I had made these emotions so unacceptable in me that I was selecting partners to manifest them externally. I saw my worry and my fear of being judged harshly by others if I were to lose my temper.
I saw the projection of this fear in my severe judgment of people who are lacking self-control. I saw how for so many years I had been shaming Kali and made things much worse in the process.
All my life, I had been focused in controlling other people reactions, in evaluating situations to create the desired outcome, in manipulating reality through my mind. There was no spontaneity. My mind was in charge to make that next sale, to make the woman I loved happy, to be liked by others, to create the desired outcome.
But as long as my inner “manager” was in charge, I was failing because I lacked authenticity and people feel the difference.”
This is the best article I have ever read on the topic of a female rage, written by a man.
In my intimate relationships I was called beautiful, strong and powerful.
I was also called ugly, horrible and a bitch.
In my rage men have tried fighting with me.
They have also tried shaming and punishing me for it.
Some got scared and have retrieved to their cave.
Men have tried reasoning with my anger in order to ‘fix it’ and ‘make me happy’.
Men have also tried giving me affection whilst being emotionally detached from me.
What I needed the most from my partner was him seeing, hearing and feeling my pain.
I needed to be held and hugged tight.
I needed to be asked: “What do you need right now?”
I needed a partner who was able to fully, truly and deeply feel me and stay emotionally present with me and my pain, instead of trying to manage, control or fix it with his mind, because he is afraid or ashamed of his own negative emotions.
What I have learned from my past relationships is that my pain isn’t something I should be ashamed of.
It isn’t something I should hide, supress, fix, change, control and manage on my own.
But I have also learned that no man wants to see, hear nor feel my anger.
And that no man can ever love me the way I need to be loved, because of my rage.
I have proven time and time again how highly destructive my anger is and how it serves only to end each and every of my relationship with a man.
It took me a very long time to start accepting my own shadow side.
And while I currently nurse my childhood wounds, finally allowing my pain to be released, I am for the first time in my life ready to wait for as long as it takes – for a man who can truly and deeply FEEL me and my pain.
A man who is able to love and embrace me fully because he is aware of and ready to face his own demons.
A man who is ready not just for the fun and the romance but also for the dance of our shadows.