Here comes the end of another year.
I am reflecting on this past year in 27’C in the US sunshine state, Florida.
I came here for the blue skies, sunshine and the warm weather; my body feels in heaven right now.
After 15 years of living in the desert and the tropics, my body still struggles with cold winters.
2024 has made me count my blessings.
First of all – my LIFE – which too often I take for granted.
Three times this year, in three separate and very different situations I have had a super close encounter with death.
And despite it all, I am still here, writing this.
It seems it wasn’t my time to go.
Tears of deep gratitude are filling up my eyes, as I feel so thankful to be ALIVE and knowing I am divinely protected.
And, at the same time, I know those scary situations were warning bells.
To pay attention.
To be present.
To live here and now.
To be humble.
To be grateful.
To trust the higher power.
To connect within.
In the last couple of years I desperately tried making new friends in the new area I moved to, in some mad rush, very much like my life depends on it, and of course, with my favourite pink goggles on.
I had to break off quite a few of those ‘friendships’ as they didn’t serve me well.
2024 reminded me yet again of using my intuition.
And that soul mates are rare diamonds worthwhile to wait for and take time with.
It made me more grateful for the friends I do have and did make, and for our real, honest, deep and meaningful connection, love and care.
This year, maybe more than any year before, has shown me my deep unhealed wounds I still often operate from.
And there is nothing like a long term intimate relationship to shine a bright light on all the stored anger and powerlessness inside.
This relationship has been my longest and deepest romantic relationship.
In a very powerful way it keeps showing me exactly where I am at ( and not where my ego likes to think I am at ).
2024 was very much a year of bursting many of my ego bubble illusions.
In last couple of years I was learning to stay and settle in, not just in my relationship, but also in my new home.
For the first time in 23 years I didn’t do long, far away travels, I didn’t relocate, I didn’t move to a new continent, or “just” a new country, city, town, a new area, apartment, house…
And it is incredible what staying, anchoring and rooting myself in my home has done for me.
It has helped me to clearly see my old pattern, my dearest coping mechanism.
Running away from aspects of myself I don’t want to see; instead focusing on everything external – new places, new cultures, new people…
Give me something new…!!!
Keeping busy with traveling and moving from place to place, from one experience to the next…….
Staying in one place for the last couple of years, in my first ever home, has helped me to start experiencing some things for the first time in my life.
Roots.
Family.
Home.
Deep belonging.
Unconditional love and acceptance.
Feeling protected.
Feeling safe.
There were so many moments over last years when I had to pinch myself, to remind myself I am living my dream.
That I have everything I’ve ever wanted.
Health.
A loving partner and child who keep bringing me to love, care, joy, ease, simplicity, patience and more…
Beautiful home in peaceful nature.
Work which I love.
Beautiful cat.
Amazing friends.
Etc…
BUT….
Having dreams come true doesn’t necessarily means one is living those dreams.
‘You are a fighter’, I’ve been told many times in my life.
That was something I was celebrated and praised for, for most of my adult life.
2024 has helped me to see just how much of the fighter I became, since a very young age.
It was something so natural to an orphan child, growing up in poverty, with daily abuse, in a country and the part of the world where nothing comes easy and where fighting is the way of life.
There were not many choices: you can or give up or fight for yourself and your needs and rights.
And I chose to – fight for my life.
Western world where I moved to as a very young adult has very much enabled and embraced that fighter in me.
So instead of learning love, compassion, empathy, vulnerability, emotional intimacy, peace, harmony, understanding, building healthy relationships, and embracing my soft, warm, feminine nature – with each and every year I became more of a fighter.
I was learning that assertiveness, trying hard,
competitiveness, strength, resilience, determination and courage are my main assets in life.
Society has very much helped me to build my inner protector and for a very long time I believed that is my true essence and those are my core values in life.
And whilst I do owe that fighter aspect my LIFE and most material things I achieved, now that I have ‘all I ever wanted’, I can clearly see that I got stuck with those adaptive strategies for way too long.
Instead of working for me and my higher good, in many ways those coping mechanisms are not serving me anymore and are very unhealthy and destructive for me and people I love.
2024 has helped me to see that, because of those survival strategies, my body is on a high alert 24/7.
I don’t know how to relax and enjoy this amazing life I was for too long fighting for.
It has shown me it’s time.
To take those boxing gloves off.
To reboot my nervous system.
To slow down.
To do nothing.
To just be.
To give my inner survivor a long warm hug.
To let go.
To celebrate this long arrival to my peace gate.
To realise that fighter isn’t who I really truly am nor who I really truly want to be going forward.
To breathe.
To believe I am love.
To keep practicing coming back to heart.
Here’s to 2025, may we love more than we fight, may we see love is the only way.