My life used to be full of struggle, loss, pain and loneliness. Most nights in my childhood I have fallen asleep in tears.
I suffered enormously with anxiety, social anxiety, insomnia and all sorts of sleep disorders, eating disorders, excess body weight, body image disorders, self-esteem issues, victim and borderline personality disorder, heart palpitations, spine problems and all sorts of emotional issues. Growing up was everything but easy for me.
I didn’t finish university. For years I struggled to make ends met. At one point I ended up homeless, sleeping on the floor of my friend’s room for months. There was a period of time in London when I lived on one pound a day for couple of months. During that period, I often had to choose between eating crisps, donuts or food on sale which was about to go off, and walking for hours in the cold, fog, wind and heavy rain, to get interviewed for some low paid jobs all over London. Or staying hungry the whole day but sitting on the comfy warm bus to my destination. I didn’t steal food but many times I haven’t paid for bus & tube fare. Times were tough.
For couple of years I had up to three jobs a day. I would finish my night job at 3am and be up at 7a.m for my day job. I still remember how disorientating was to wake up with the alarm, not knowing what time of the day it is and what job I need to go to.
When I think of those times, I often feel that was someone’s else life.
It feels like a long time ago.
And although I feel super grateful for my life today, at times I also feel sad there is often no one to share that joy, freedom, comfort and ease with now.
I feel like a kid who finally got a second chance to play and enjoy life, but now everyone else seems to struggle and I keep playing mostly on my own.
I am often judged as ‘someone who got it easy in life’.
“It’s easy for you, your job is so flexible.”
“It’s easy for you, you love what you do.”
“It’s easy for you, your job isn’t stressful like mine.”
“It’s easy for you, you don’t have a boss.”
“ It’s easy for you, you get to travel so much.”
“It’s easy for you, you have so much free time.”
“It’s easy for you, you are constantly outside in the nature.”
“It’s easy for you, you keep moving countries, I am stuck in here.”
“It’s easy for you, you can afford it.”
“It’s easy for you, you speak so many languages.”
“ It’s easy for you, you keep meeting new people all the time.”
“ It’s easy for you, you are so outgoing.“
“It’s easy for you, you are brave.”
“It’s easy for you, you are fit and in a great shape.“
“It’s easy for you, you don’t have kids.”
“ It’s easy for you, you don’t have many responsibilities.”
If I had a penny for every time someone said to me I got it easy in life, I would be a millionaire today.
As I am tired of feeling guilty for living life I worked very hard and very long for, I feel more people should hear this:
Your life – with everything and everyone in it – was YOUR choice.
I could have chosen to have a baby with an abusive alcoholic man when I was 20 years old. I opted not to.
I could have chosen to stay in Croatia and finish my law degree. I opted not to.
I could have chosen to stay in crappy jobs for much longer. I opted not to.
I could have chosen to get married and have kids years ago. I opted not to.
I could have chosen to find ‘a more stable and secure’ job. I opted not to.
I could have opted to live on one continent, in one country, in one city for all my life. I opted not to.
‘As you make your bed, so you must lie in it.’
Life is FULL of options.
Before next time you tell someone: “It’s easy for you…”, please consider you might not have a full picture of their life.
Stop making others feel bad for living their joy and get busy instead with finding ways to bring more joy in your own life.
Remember that You and only You are responsible for your choices in life, for how you feel, what you do and have – or don’t do and don’t have – in your life today.
Conquer your mountain!