“Last year, when I first met you, you only just arrived from Australia, you were single and lived in rented apartment.
A year later, you live in your dream house in the nature and you are with a beautiful partner and gorgeous little stepdaughter,” said a friend of mine the other day.
It took a while for me to realise that all really happened to me – within just One Human Year.
It’s been a while since I shared myself with the world.
Since 2019. I felt I was in a washing machine with endless spinning cycles.
In 2019. I have quickly, impulsively and foolishly managed to get married, then almost as equally quickly get separated, and at the beginning of this year I got divorced.
Since 2017, I managed to settle in, live and work in Australia. I was lucky to have traveled throughout that gorgeous continent and get to know its people, flora and fauna, and feel like a true local in Perth, Western Australia.
Just as the toxicity between partner and me reached its peak and we have finally started living separately, came that ‘lovely’ 2020.
I often said that 2020 despite all the shake up, tons of fear, and all the hardship, personally felt like a huge relief for me. As I finally ‘got rid of’ my partner and moved in a beautiful ocean apartment on my own again. Freedom at last!
I had no idea my life will totally turn around and that soon ( already the next year, in 2021 ) I’ll be moving ‘back home’, leaving those gorgeous sandy beaches of Australia behind…
On the afternoon of 11th of February 2021, lying down on my sofa at home, just after finishing my work, I suddenly heard a loud question:
“Where do you belong?”
I actually turned around to see who was asking it, that’s how real and loud my Soul Question sounded.
Being too familiar with my lack of patience and rushing into things, I concluded that was indeed a great question whose answer might come much later.
I consciously decided not to immediately and desperately search for the answer ( which I would normally do ), but to allow it to spontaneously come to me.
And just as I decided on that, the answer came to me – the next morning!
Exactly one month later, on 11th of March 2021 I was on the plane to Croatia, a beautiful land I was born in, raised and spent first 20 years of my life.
Only a month after my arrival, a gorgeous land has found me.
A year later ( 2022 ) my first ever home started to get built on it.
And few months ago, I moved in my timber house in the nature which I was dreaming about for a long time.
About six months after buying the land, I met my partner, and then after some time, his beautiful little daughter.
For over two decades of my life I was desperately searching for love ( in others ).
All those years I kept asking:
‘All I want is a long term relationship, why can’t I attract it? Why am I being punished?’
I didn’t know this:
A wounded human, full of fear can only attract – a very similar human with those same wounds and bags of fear.
In my desperate hunt for love for over twenty years, I rushed into most of my relationships. And I rushed even faster out of all of them.
And the saddest thing, everyone but myself could see what I was doing so clearly.
For the longest time, relationships were my biggest, most toxic and most dangerous blind spots.
I was so petrified of love, of a commitment, a long term relationship, building a family together, staying in that family unit.
AND I Had No Idea how afraid I was.
All these years my dear friends could see in me that frightened little orphan baby, a little girl who spent her childhood desperately waiting to grow up and escape from the hell and torture of her dysfunctional and violent foster home.
When that day finally arrived and she managed to run away, she made a promise to her inner orphan – never to make that same mistake again.
Never to get imprisoned, Never Ever Again.
Never to love and trust another human being.
All these years I had no clue how scared I was of staying and of allowing true deep love and vulnerability in my life.
Running away was something I have mastered so well.
And it’s hard to notice anything, while running that fast and that often.
While my friends often admired my ‘courage’ to move on my own all around the world, for over two decades, I envied and admired those same friends for staying in one place and in one relationship with their partner, children…
For the peace, contentment, love, patience and maturity I could see they have, and deep inside I knew I lacked.
At the end of 2021 I am meeting my current partner.
And in 2022, for the first time in my adult life, I am starting to practice – Staying – in a relationship.
Although, if you are a fly on my wall, you would perhaps disagree.
The amount of time I tried leaving and pushing my partner away, just in a one single year….
This year I have finally started to see how being on my own is a beautiful thing but how boring, predictive and dangerous it became for me.
Pack and / or sell all your belongings.
Get on the plane.
Buy new things for the new place.
Settle in new area, town, city, country, continent, new hemisphere, new time zone…. ( amazing how good and fast you are at it! )
Learn a new language.
Get a job.
Give a few weeks.
Repeat it again somewhere else.
Easy peasy – yup it can be draining too, but hey what you got to do is what you got to do, right?
Fear make us do crazy, stupid things.
As I became older I got very set in my ways of thinking and behaving, mostly unconsciously driven by my wounds, ego, copying mechanisms, by tons of unresolved fear from my childhood.
Teaching an old dog new tricks is a perfect analogy for me in this new relationship.
It’s everything but Easy for me.
My partner is my perfect mirror. And as a typical human, I love all the ‘pretty stuff’, but mirroring my wounds and ego gets very tricky.
I don’t know what will happen with my current relationship. Will I stay or will I famously leave for good once again.
All I know at this moment is that my heart keeps opening. And that I am finally able to feel Love and what Staying in a Relationship does for me.
My partner is imperfectly perfect for me.
He teaches me love, gratitude, kindness, forgiveness, maturity, understanding, humility, compassion, peace and patience. He is teaching me – To Stay – and that’s certainly not an easy task for him.
My little stepdaughter has quickly and powerfully jumped into my heart showing me all the ways I was closed to love. It’s incredible how one adult can be afraid of 6yrs old child. And that adult was me when I first met her.
That precious little angel continuously helps me to keep my heart open. She teaches me every day how life is about love and play, joy and laughter, singing and dancing.
Whoever has been through a separation and divorce, knows that thing is a process.
Getting to the end of that journey at the beginning of 2022, with my now ex husband, I am so grateful for the two of us. How easy in that process was to continue to bicker, argue, blame one another and how hard it seemed to come to the place of love.
I am so grateful that two of us managed to drop all that fear and ego battles and kept only love and care for one another. And it is interesting how easy that can be for a human being, once we realise we might never ever see each other again, which was the case with me leaving Australia.
I am so thankful we both are in place of deep appreciation, love, understanding and a true forgiveness with one another.
It seems we had to come to separation and divorce to learn about – LOVE, GRATITUDE, ACCEPTANCE and FORGIVENESS.
Whatever it takes for a human to get to those lessons…
Whoever has built their own home, knows that is too a very special, delicate and a precious project, full of hard core lessons.
I started that journey in a hard core capitalistic, cold bitch way : “I will pay you and you will build me my dream house.”
At the time, I wasn’t ( of course ) consciously aware that was my approach.
Sitting in my gorgeous timber home, feeling warm and cosy while writing all of this, on this last day of 2022, I want to thank God for all of it.
For guiding me to LOVE all this time.
Every second of every day.
Thank you for the roof over my head.
Thank you for teaching me and reminding me LOVE is THE ONLY WAY.
Thank you for introducing me to a wonderful human being who has helped me build my life long dream.
Thank you for reminding me he is a human being, and not just a worker paid by me.
Thank you for getting us to know one another.
And after many uncomfortable conversations and arguments about things on the house which I wasn’t happy with, to get to the end of the house building project with peace, love and gratitude one for another.
I am super grateful for my gorgeous home and for all the talks, discussions, hugs, cries, laughter we shared, for coming back to the Soul Family we always were. Not – The Boss and The Worker.
Thank you God for helping me open my heart with this house, to finally truly being able to enjoy having guests.
I used to prefer meeting my friends outside.
Hosting dinners, parties or any sort of gatherings at my place was more of a chore than a joy for me.
I would make myself liking it, but I was the happiest when guests would leave.
This house somehow overnight seems to have change that.
I now Love having guests, having friends over and for them to stay not just for a dinner, but for a weekend, or as long as they want.
Being at home without my partner and the little one, suddenly seems lonely.
I feel this wooden house has totally shifted my frequency.
It still feels strange and weird as that’s something very new to me.
But I am starting to like this new me who loves to have her soul family under the same roof…
I am super thankful to all my old and new friends, close and far away, who have supported me throughout my life, and in this new chapter which was everything but dull and boring.
I appreciate you, I love you and I thank you.
Thank you for believing in me and helping me find my way back to love each and every time.
To my dear clients, I love and appreciate you so much. Thank you for teaching me and healing me so much in every session. Thank you for helping me to build my home.
At the end of 2022 I say to myself:
Enough of moving.
Enough of running away.
Be kind more.
Listen and understand more.
All I wish for the world and myself in 2023 is that we all get super determined to continuously Practice:
May 2023 bring all you need, happy New Year to everyone!
FREE YOUR SHADOW. LIVE YOUR TRUTH.