When did you last let yourself and your loved ones – inside and tell them what your needs are?
When did you last ask your partner, family member, friend or a colleague: ‘What do YOU need now?’
When were you last asked that same question?
If not – why not? Have you asked any similar question?
My recent “discovery” of that question was an absolute revelation in my life, it has totally changed the way I perceived myself and my needs.. And the needs of the others.
It meant literally – putting myself in someone else’s shoes – not by presuming what they want or need – but by asking them what they need.
Before that I used to think or analyze what they might want / like / need – which was 100% from MY point of view ( I was convinced I ‘know’, because I KNOW them :-p ), and I would get very disappointed if they wouldn’t show appreciation for my actions – in my mind ‘I have done something – FOR them’?!?
Putting yourself in other person’s shoes – doesn’t work…
More effective way would be to ASK what others feel , need etc.. So we then can be sure, as we then ‘KNOW’ it.
The question which could potentially SAVE you loads of time and energy in your relationships, from close and intimate ones to the business partnerships is exactly this one: ‘WHAT DO YOU NEED NOW?’
That simple question shows the other person you care about their needs and that you are willing to help them out in getting their need met.
You are giving them your time and unconditional presence – you are making them feel important, loved, cared for, understood, appreciated.
You are Accepting them and their needs like they’re your own. ‘What do you need now?’ is about focusing on the person’s feelings and needs.
In many relationships questions like: “What do you want? What do you want from me? What can I do for you? What can I give you?” can invalidate other person needs and make them feel NEEDY. Your partner can feel they are a burden to you, or that they want too much from you and that their need is wrong or – BAD.
With our acceptance of their answer we are accepting them and their need.
The answers can be: ” I need to eat, sleep, rest, study, work, go to the toilet, I need a space, time, to be alone” etc, etc..
Super important here is not to judge or question the need they expressed to us, as otherwise ‘What do you need now?’ loses its meaning. So it’s not important if their need to us looks or feel to us just as a wish, want, whim and not NEED.
We are giving our loved ones Freedom to think, feel and ask for what they need AND we are teaching them – to give us the same.
If you ‘never’ get asked that question yourself, instead of shouting I NEED __________ ! ask the other person first what they need – which will in most cases prompt them to ask you back.
If they still don’t ‘get it’, in a cute way ASK THEM – TO ASK YOU… 😉